Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
