nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
