If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
