I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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