I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
