He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
