I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
