After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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