you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
