apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
