at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize