I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Dick very happy bro
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
