There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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