You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
