he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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