its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
