youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Randomize
