Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
