The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
