Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
