she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
