Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
even my farts smell like vagina
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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