Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
my phone needs a breathalizer
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
