i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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