Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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