i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
