True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
