My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
