dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
