I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
