Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize