Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize