if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
