one word: firstdatebathroomanal
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
