He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
