I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
