Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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