are you so shy because you have an std?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
