dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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