How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We named our party play list daddy issues
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
