I'm so fucking centered right now
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
