Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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