you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
