does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
