Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
