she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just found puke in my bra..
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Randomize
