I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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