I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
