Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
