Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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