remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Randomize
