Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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