he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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