20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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