I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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