I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
