Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
